Fog

I have been in a fog since Dustin died. Please forgive me for not returning emails or phone calls. The last 31 days, 6 hours and 38 minutes I have been in and out of a blur. However, I feel compelled to write today.

To say I miss Dustin is such an understatement. I couldn't even begin to describe the empty feeling that has settled over me. The first few weeks I was proud of myself. I figured I was doing pretty good holding things together for myself and the kids. I made it through our 2 year anniversary, I returned to work. Then all of a sudden, BAM!!! It hit me and I have had to isolate myself for the past 2 weeks and muddle through.

Right now, I am focusing on Annelie, Dawson, & Landon. We have not seen Dylan. It's hard for the kids to understand. But we are getting along one day at a time. They are a huge source of my strength. Along with God(always GOD), our friends, and my family.

Dustin's final days were emotional and peaceful. He was in pain and I hope that during the last day and a 1/2 when he was no longer able to speak, that we were able to maintain the pain as much as possible for him. He declined quickly. Which was actually something he and I had prayed for if he was not to recover, not to suffer any longer. His decline was rapid because the cancer had attacked the bones in his body. His tailbone had eroded and the bones of the spine. There was disease present on his skull, his femurs, and hips. It did not metastasize to the brain. From the erosion he was accumulating too much calcium in his blood stream which caused the confusion and the loss of motor skills. And ultimately his death. We were told he had 2 weeks. He lived 4 days.

He was able to say goodbye to all those he loved, some were able to rush to his side to say goodbye, others said goodbye through phone calls. He heard each and every one of you. I knew that from his facial expressions when he was no longer able to talk and from the tears which streamed from his eyes when Dawson played Amazing Grace on his violin for him one last time. His last night on earth he slept peacefully. I slept with him for part of the night on that little hospital bed not realizing it would be the last time. His passing was peaceful. He simply took a breath and then did not take another. Some of us were in the room with him when he died. I had promised him I would hold one hand while God took the other as he entered heaven. I was blessed enough to have that chance.

Questions arise daily in my mind as I am sure many who read this and knew Dustin also have questions. Why him? What now? But, I find some comfort in Dustin's own words...

"I am not afraid to die, on everyone of us there is an invisible expiration date stamped on us. I worry about those I leave behind. Who will comfort them after I am gone? I don't want to make promises that I will watch over them because the other side is so unknown, I hope that when I tell them this it is true. I do not worry about myself. I know where I am going.... Here we go."

My journey continues. I have no idea where it is going, I am not worried about that right now. I do have faith as to where it will end. And I believe Dustin will be there waiting for me when my time is finished. Until then, I hope to live my life as he did...with my eyes always focused on GOD, a bit less organized, more spontaneous, and loving everyone just how they are.

This is the rest of the journey he joins me in spirit until we meet again.

Grace.

Mandy