Spetember-October

September.

Dustin would have been 32 on September 14th. Thank you for all the kind well wishes and notes. I celebrated privately for him, we even watched a movie together...except this time I chose a sappy chick flick...I figured he really wouldn't mind.

Annelie turned 15. I get a lump in my throat when I think that next year she will be driving....and in 3 years off to college. One moment while I get a kleenex... Man they grow up fast. It is now a young woman who hugs me. I feel like I blinked and they stopped being babies. *sniff sniff* I didn't want life to get in the way of living anymore.

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So, earlier in the month I went to Seattle with some incredible friends for a missions trip for church. We helped a sister church in Bonnie Lake, WA. as they are still getting on their feet. Great things happening there. It was the first time I traveled alone since Dustin's passing. I felt honored to be able to be a part of this exciting journey for this new church. I was reminded that a few people can do amazing things.

My whole month was a whirlwind of thoughts, possible decisions most of them wrong. I am thankful I slowed down for a moment to just soak things in and listen before jumping into what I thought would be good ideas. I am enjoying being home, taking a much needed break from working, and staying in our house that holds so many good memories. I am healing.

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It's now October and fall has arrived. The cold mornings, leaves on the grass, pumpkins lined up outside the grocery store, another season left behind.

I am moving forward. The days at home have allowed me the opportunity to start going through Dustin's things. Slowly, reverently, preserving every precious memory. Our home has become less of a shrine, and more of a place where Dustin flows easily through our daily lives. His things no longer sit collecting dust untouched and exactly where he left them. I find them tangled amongst the things that have slowly migrated into their spaces. This is more like the randomness that was so uniquely him. It feels like home again.

I recently returned from a visit to New York City. It was my first time there and I utterly enjoyed each moment with my older brother, sister and my 6 month old nephew. I know the reason they love that city they have called home for the past 10 years. So much to see, to do, and to EAT... It was fabulous! I miss them so much there is never enough time. I came back a bit lighter emotionally. And perhaps a bit wiser in the ways I want to direct my life. I admit I think that my family is too spread out and I wish we were all in the same city, or at least the same state. Perhaps some day.

Now it is mid-October...I joined a water aerobics class. My classmates are all in their late 50's and above (I started out in the easy class) Some of them are widows, I feel they can relate to me, we acknowledge one another with an expression of understanding.

I was telling myself another day...another day... That I got through, or that I needed to get through? What exactly was another day? What was I doing with them? I can't seem to remember. But there is an entire lifetime of "another days" out there for me. Another day to pray, to laugh and to love, to see the sunshine, smell a flower, try a new recipe, to touch, to meet a new friend. Another day to do the things that he can't do anymore. For me and for him, for the memory of us. I will try using my husbands words as my daily mantra...DO SOMETHING but love what you are doing.

So today, being a good day. I am off...to do something I encourage you to do the same.

Remember....I love you.

Mandy